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Wednesday, October 17, 2018

10 Years Coming Out of The Closet by Erica Crooks

My 10th Anniversary of Coming Out
Erica Crooks

I don’t remember the exact date , but it was most certainly around this time
a little before Halloween that I realized that I was Queer.
Perhaps I should clarify that this was the FIRST time I came out because the SECOND time was around March 2013 finally coming to the realization that I was a Woman born in the wrong body , or should I say a LESBIAN WOMAN Born in the Wrong Body. ;)
I originally came out as Androgyne which is non-binary gender that I think is very similar or perhaps is the same as Genderqueer which is a term that’s used more.
Also I’ve heard of the term Queer Heterosexual around this time which today the term seems to be more like heterosexual nonconformity which wasn’t the way I used it back in 2008 / 2009 .
Around this time is when my telepathy with my Twin Flame was becoming more and more real , it was beyond dreams and night time telepathy. My fantasies where becoming more and more REAL and going beyond the dreams and telepathy. 
Definitely in 2009 I was somewhat aware that this telepathy was real but I wouldn’t come across the term “ Twin Flames “ until 2016 which was at the time I started to recognize that a certain person I was becoming more and more attracted to and can relate to more and more within a short amounts of time could be HER ! Perhaps I was the unawaken Twin because 
the only confirmation I was getting was telepathy and the newly added spirit guides which I never experienced before claiming to be angels of God / Universe ( non religious ) .
Then that's when the 11:11 and the other number signs were coming up , I was seeing heart shapes in random places every day , even random romance cards in a local part abandoned on a picnic table.
But in 2008 , I only knew about myself. A feeling where I was attracted to female masculinity the same way a heterosexual woman would to a heterosexual man.
This feeling reached to the feminine side of me to the point where I just wanted to become the girlfriend to some lucky butch lesbian.
But that’s when I started to think , WAIT A MINUTE … THIS ISN’T STRAIGHT IS IT ?
I’m not gay because I’m not attracted to men .
At the time I was unaware of the fact that Trans men are in fact men born in the wrong body ,
but this was 2008 and of course the internet 10 years later is MANY TIMES BETTER WITH MORE AWESOME INFORMATION TODAY which 10 years ago was extremely rare.
I would get kicked off of LGBTQ+ message forms and chat rooms because they seen me as a nuisance not taking the “ don’t label yourself “ advice for an answer and moving on.
Perhaps that’s something about me being INFP , I want to learn about myself , why I feel a certain way even if it feels so good and right , WHAT DOES ALL OF THIS MEAN ?
At the time , I was living with a homophobic / transphobic father who owed a gun ! 
So I kind of came out explaining that I like what I used to call “ Tomboy girls “ .
I discuss more of this in horror detail in my article “ Adults Get Bullied Too ! “

Today even though I am a Transgender Lesbian Woman named Erica , pronouns : She / Her 
I do also still identify in some sort of non-binary if that’s the right terms.

I’m not exactly a butch lesbian myself. Soft Butch ? I don’t know , I don't think so.
Genderfluid , maybe but I hate to just use terms that are actually gender identity and not gender expression.
Years ago I would say that I’m bigender or trigender expression but that kind of sounds like Two Spirit which I am not . I did meet two people who both identified as genderqueer and another who is Two Spirit. Also I’ve made some Trans men friends too .

It’s interesting , because I would most certainly say that I am the FEMME of the Butch / Femme Dynamic . And for those who don't already know this , my Twin Flame is indeed a cisgender Butch Lesbian . But she’s artsy and a pop culture fan like I am.
And for those cynical skeptics out there who think that my Twin Flame is just pretend and I need to start dating , especially that I’m 30 , as I stated before , I have ACTUALLY meet my Twin Flame face to face. I do have a name and a face , but out of respect until further notice , I will not be revealing any personal information of my Twin Flame until I get permission from her outside telepathy and after Twin Flame Union.
Yes , we are still figuring out the very last bit of separation / ascension . 
I just need to apply Law of Attraction better.

Because that’s what all the Twin Flame gurus are going to price $200 - $500 on.
But keep in mind , it’s kind of like Jen and Kira from The Dark Crystal 
“Hold each other close , she is a part of you as you are a part of her . “ Something like that.
*spoiler alert for those who haven’t seen the Jim Henson classic yet. “
I do sort of see Jen and Kira’s dream fasting scene similar to Twin Flame experience ,
except no Running / Chasing / Separation situations and how it ties into Law of Attraction and your own consciousness connected. Anyway…
Eventually I will have a Twin Flame update when Union is completed.
It's something to do when you got these FAKE Twin Flame Couples selling scam subscriptions and digital products and treating people like CRAP if you join their coaching sessions , YES I GOT RIPPED OFF BY A COUPLE BIG TIME !

So anyway , yes there’s a femme side of me which really comes out most with my love of cats and my Twin Flame.
Though most of the time , I’m quite androgynous . So perhaps that’s the Androgyne / Genderqueer aspect of me I suppose.
And well then there’s also the thing about me being a Transgender lesbian woman who is satisfied having HRT and doesn’t care and doesn’t mind not having surgery . AKA Non-Op .

One last thing I’d like to mention which is already going to sound like a shameless plug in on my satirical satire sketch comedy puppet and cartoon show for adults which will be 20 years old next year.
The Erica Crooks Show did play a HUGE role in me coming out. I came out in my art before I came out myself. 
One of the things I would say about my life experience is one moment your making a bad taste “ chick with a dick “ joke to your friends , then eventually you realize YOU ACTUALLY AND TRULY ARE ONE !
And this sort of thing is unfortunately common in comedy from that scene where Annie Nicole Smith reveals she’s a Transgender Woman in The Naked Gun 3 to Monty Python’s Flying Circus’s “ Jumberjack Song “ to name a few.
And of course I can appreciate the creative timing , still it’s just as outdated as the blackface “ CENSORED 11 “ cartoons from The Golden Age of Animation.
And just became someone made a joke back then doesn’t mean they were prejudice fascists , it was nothing beyond being a “ product of it’s time “ . And remember , none of those guys HAD THE INTERNET , and there was barely any information out there.
Now if we were living in an anarchist society / 5D Earth a long time ago , we won't have transphobia , homophobia , racism , sexism , ableism , or anything form of hierarchy / oppression .

Back to The Erica Crooks Show ,
I did do a dumb sketch where I had this nerd character who went on a date with a trans woman and it was such a cheap gag where the punchline really was just to show a character with a shocked look in their eyes as soon as he calls his buddy on the phone.
But what was interesting was it was only a few episodes after where I did
this satirical slam on “ Maury Povich “ . I remember he had transgender people on his show , one episode featured a transgender heterosexual couple and that was the closest I seen that related to my situation until I realized that I am a Transgender Lesbian Femme Woman in 2013 .
I thought Maury at the time just had transgender people on his show just for a cheap laugh and I thought that was cruel. He even said once that one episode he wanted to tern “ Tomboy’s and tern them into princesses . “ And I was all fired up , I was already making anti-gender binary system videos on my old MuppetPro YouTube channel until I shut it down in 2009 due to being cyberbullied and threaten to death and went into this one year retirement in 2010 and selling DVDs on Amazon and Amazon Video on Demand 2011 - 2012 and then in 2013 was when I started

The satire on Maury Povich from 2008 as well as most of the episodes from the original run of The Erica Crooks Show 2006 - 2009 I discovered around 2016 which was a real joy.
I’m sure there’s maybe pirated stollen videos that I’m not aware of that I may not have the master tapes too , but 
If you want to see the Maury Povich satire , check it out right here.

And then of course there was the legacy sketch episode where I came out as a Transgender lesbian woman before I actually did 4 years later.
Which I got in trouble for , the public access television station at the time called the police out of concern because they feared that I was going to commit suicide .
I thought it was a bad move from the public access station because that's just saying that ALL ARTISTS who sing the blues are promoting their suicide which is ridiculous .
My suicidal feelings of being caught by my abusive father had nothing to do with my art , and if I was going to cry for help , 
Seriously the work I do takes a lot of hard work and effort to do . 
At the time I was animating the old Macromedia Flash 5 and working off of an old crapy HP laptop and desktop computers.
And again this story GOES ON AND ON which I mention more in “ Adults Get Bullied Too ! “

Fortunately in 2012 , I did meet a good transgender friend of mine who was also spiritual who unfortunately committed suicide in 2013. She encouraged me to dye my hair blonde and she called me Erica which I carry to this day.
She was a very strong willed woman and she gave me advice on self confidence and to never ever let bullies control my life.
I do indeed miss her , but her spirit is with me.
Her death was expected because she told me that she was slowly dying of many things ,
and she would return as my Gardening Angel or one of my angels.
And since I had the confidence to return to the internet in 2013 as well as meeting my Twin Flame December of 2015 / Spring 2016 ,
I have a feeling that she was helping my other spirit guides bring miracles in my life.
Also we had a thing about mocking “ Fred Phelps “ and Westboro Baptist Church.
She knew what I was up to with my show . lol
Before she passed away , she recommended “ Bill Maher “ to me. :)
My friend was cool because she dressed like a rock star a little bit which showed me that Trans Woman are really aren't much different than cisgender women.
There’s no rules , WE ARE BOTH WOMEN , trans women just happened to be born in the male body instead of the female.
But because of being non-op , there’s of course a positive side to this. * wink wink / Nudge Nudge * . lol :P

Anyway , as I probably already said before in previous blogs and blog videos ,
I feel that my life just keeps evolving and getting better and better.
Which is something of course is a positive thing to say about myself.
There are many people who just stay the same and live lives that are so plain . But perhaps that works for them , not for me. :)

I’m just so happy and grateful that there’s not only a stronger awareness for transgender people but also non-binary people as well.

_ Erica 

For more info about me and what I do ,
visit The Official Erica Crooks Websites :

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